


but why is there this fear in between the happiness?

by snowangels



Series: not bright up here. [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lee Seokmin | DK-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-10-13 05:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17482289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowangels/pseuds/snowangels
Summary: there were three main rules to follow.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> pls be mindful of warnings and tags. this isnt a pretty fic.

there were three main rules to follow. 

rule one was to never tell  _anyone_ what they did together. 

seokmin never dared to break that rule. he had once almost done it, words of exposition heavy on his tongue, but with a hand on his shoulder, his mouth shut tight. he had learned that punishment for telling was one of the worst he could recieve. 

he could still hear the shatter of glass as he tried so desperatley to get away, only to be pulled back. he could never escape a punishment, he knew that by now. he’d always be so easily pulled back.

rule two was to never talk back.

he had recieved mutiple punishments for breaking this rule. most times his mouth had a mind of it’s own, but other times, he didn’t even know he had said anything wrong.

he once thought everything was okay only to be pushed back and held down and told to  _never say that again_ even though he only asked a simple question. his hands had shook, held tightly by bigger, stronger ones. 

rule number three was to always be on good behavior; always strive to work hard and do well.

he got punished the most for this. if he didn’t practice enough, if he ate one meal too many, if he joked around too much during a broadcast apperance.

the first time had been the worst. he could still remember the way he cried and begged only to never be relieved of his pain. he suffered for a long time even after the punishment was over, thinking of tearing his skin off and ripping himself apart even as he smiled so big and bright. 

of course, there were other, minor rules and things he would get punished for, but the main three were told by him the most. every night before he slept, he would recite them. he could practically hear  _his_ exact tone of voice reading the rules in his thoughts. 

the one who made these rules and shaped seokmin to be a better person was their manager, chulwoo. he had been with them since pre-debut, always looking out for all of his band members, but mostly him. 

he had told seokmin one night, a long time ago when he was just a fragile trainee trying so hard to become a star, that he was special. seokmin had smiled at the word, only to be teared down when chulwoo continuted to speak.

he was special because he’d never be like the rest of seventeen. he wasn’t as pretty or handsome, he wasn’t the best dancer, and certaintly a few high notes wouldn’t make him popular. no, talent wouldn’t get him nowhere. his personality was annoying and he had been told that he would most probably always be last in the group. 

seokmin had cried, but chulwoo comforted him and told him that he’d just need extra help, a special kind. he had been so naive and nodded away to whatever his hyung had said to him, practically putting his whole life in the mans hands.

he regretted it most days.


	2. Chapter 2

there was a lot fans (and chulwoo) didn’t like about him, but one of those things wasn’t what he worked the hardest on keeping; his thighs. 

while he may not be the prettiest or the most talented or even the most likable, he had a body that attracted fans to him. he smiled when someone complimented him on his thighs, always felt a warm blanket cover his heart.  _someone liked him._

while his thighs were the fans favorite part of him, they were also chulwoo’s. he could remember the exact way he’d kiss and bite at them, wrap a meaty hand around both of them and pull then apart with no struggle at all. he used to be able to hold seokmin’s thighs all the way, but not now. 

but it was hard to maintain them. and with jeonghan wanting a diet partner, who was he to say no? he wanted to be there for his hyung, to help him and accomplish something with him.

he didn’t know how  _angry_ people could get, blaming jeonghan for his own decision. his thighs were shrinking, yes, but it was his own decision. why couldn’t he just be happy? why couldn’t he be loved for something else other than a thing so hard to keep? 

he only cried when chulwoo’s hands could almost wrap around his whole thigh again. when chulwoo asked him if he was dieting. asked him if he wanted to be as skinny as the rest of his group for once. if he was done being the heaviest and the laziest. because as much as chulwoo liked his thighs, he always said he only had them due to being  _fat._

he bawled in the shower that night, praying to whoever would listen. 


	3. Chapter 3

“are you okay, minnie?”

seokmin turned his head to look towards his hyung, seungcheol. the leader of the group had a small, reassuring smile on his face, but his eyes looked awfully sad. he stood beside the couch before moving to sit beside the main vocalist.

he shrugged, “i’m alright, why’d you ask?”

“soonyoung was just a bit worried is all. you’ve been sleeping a lot recently and haven’t really been talking as much,” seungcheol replied.

 _it’s because i know that i annoy you,_ seokmin thought to himself. he kept quiet though, watching the drama on tv starring cha eunwoo. he was jealous of the idol; he had everything. he was pretty, talented, and loved by almost anyone he came across. it made jealousy rise in the pits of seokmin’s stomach, and he cursed at himself for feeling such an emotion.

”we’ve had a busy schedule...i didn’t even notice i was afting off,” seokmin mumbled, turning his eyes away from the screen before he starts to cry, “i’m sorry for worrying you, hyung. i’m sorry for worrying soonyoung as well.”

seungcheol placed a gentle hand on seokmin’s arm, which made him jump slightly. the older must have noticed, but he didn’t say anything and removed his hand, “sorry..” 

“it’s okay.”

”just, don’t apologize for feeling off sometimes, okay buddy?” seungcheol says. when seokmin nods, he finally gets up and walks away, probably to find jeonghan or jihoon, maybe even soonyoung to relay the information he had recieved.

seokmin watched him go, and then continued to watch the television, until his phone buzzed in his pocket. he almost let out a sob.

—

_“strip.”_

_”please.”_

_”be a good boy.”_

_”i-i’m tryi-“_

_”fucking slut.”_

_”i’m sorry.”_

_”open your legs, baby.”_

_”i’m sorry chulwoo hyung.”_


	4. Chapter 4

seokmin had messed up badly.

the performance seventeen had performed that night had been wonderful, up until seokmin opened his _stupid_ mouth and messed up a high note he had did only about hundreds of times.

his group member had assured him it was okay after, but he knew it wasn’t. he could feel his stomach create knots that twists and turned and pulled to create a rope of anxiety. he opened the door to chulwoo’s room quietly.

he was silent but still intemidating as seokmin shut the door and sat down in the chair in front of his desk. he didn’t even look up from where he was looking at the laptop until a few minutes later when he suddenly slammed it shut and made the idol in the room jump.

”minnie,” chulwoo mumbled, standing up and walking over to the said man. he grabbed his chin and forced seokmin to look at him with rough dominance in his tone and stature, “you know i hate doing this to you, so why did you even break one of the rules in the first place.”

seokmin could feel his throat choking up and tears start to form, but quietly he whispered, “i-i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to-“

a harsh slap to the face interuptted the vocalist, making him whine and hold his cheek as he stared up at the older in front of him.

”i don’t care about excuses seokmin. now shut up,” chulwoo gripped the younger man’s hair and pushed him to the floor, instantly going for the zipper on his jeans.

seokmin was scared.

—

his bottom hurt from where chulwoo had hit him with a belt, from where he pushed in with no preperation and tore him apart, made him voice the most deadliest, high pitch screams.

as soon as he had gotten home, seokmin took a shower. it stung his cuts and bruises and his bottom especially, and it did nothing to make him feel cleaner, but he wanted to cry. he wanted to sob. he wanted to bawl his eyes out and make wet, deppressing sounds without anyone being able to hear; the shower always drowned it out.

he didn’t eat dinner and he didn’t even say hi to his other members. instead, he walked into his room and started blankly at the wall, wondering what his life had come to.

a knock on his door.

seokmin looked up and quietly said, “come in.”

soonyoung entered the room, lips pulled into a soft frown as he closed the door, “hi seokie. i just wanted to see if you were okay?”

”i’m fine hyung,” seokmin pulled his signature bright (fake) smile, “why do you ask?”

the dancer didn’t say anything, but only walked towards seokmin’s bed. with hesitance, he crawled into the bed, making seokmin very confused, and then laid beneath the covers. as seokmin turned to look at him, soonyoung pulled him to his chest, cuddling him gently.

”it’s okay to not be okay sometimes, seokie.” 

was it?


	5. Chapter 5

he couldn’t feel anything.

he was on fire. he hurt all over, every bit of him, inside and out. he swore he could see god welcoming him with wide arms, telling him that everything would be okay and he should just  _let go_.

but he couldn’t. he just couldn’t. his group needed him. his family needed him. carats and his family and seventeen needed him.

or did they? because chulwoo often drilled into his head that he was useless anyway. least liked, least loved, he would never be good enough; no one truly cared for him no matter how much affection they showed.

so then why did he truly believed that carats and his family and seventeen loved him? he felt love form when carats held his hands at fansigns, when his mom would call him her personal sunlight, when soonyoung or seungcheol or maybe even mingyu would cuddle with him, letting him be the little spoon so he could feel safe and protect for once in his life.

seokmin knew deep down chulwoo was wrong. he just couldn’t hear that part of him yet.

—

chuwoo pinned him to the floor, hands tied to the desk with the leather of the older mans belt, gagged with tape from one of the desk drawers. 

seokmin had messed up. he had asked why all the affection felt real. he had asked chulwoo why he was telling him he wasn’t loved when other said they loved him. he wanted chulwoo to prove to him that he was nothing.

but chulwoo couldn’t with words.

instead he ripped at his clothes and ignored the whimpers and muffled screams. he kicked and punched and slapped seokmin so hard it left a red handprint on his face.

he pulled his thighs apart and kissed and sucked and didn’t care for the boy under him. he pinned the boy down and thrusted into him so hard, his head knocked onto the desk leg and clouded his vision with more than just tears.

he was sobbing, begging, pleading. he knew now. he knew he was nothing. a dirty slut. a talentless idol. someone who couldn’t do anything on his own. someone who shouldn’t and couldn’t be loved.

another thrust and he believed he was  _nothing._

—

the door opened.


	6. Chapter 6

mingyu liked the way seokmin smiled at him the most. not just his regular bright smile, the one he made when he was at fansigning events or laughing at a joke; it was more personal when he looked at mingyu.

it was as if he trusted him completley, he trusted him with a different kind of hapiness that only he was allowed to see and cherish. mingyus heart swelled thinking about it.

he stopped smiling so much and it worried mingyu. seokmin put on an act most days, forcing himself into a funny and happy mood only to lay in bed, drained of energy with little emotion on his face.

he and mingyu used to cuddle very often, seokmin would giggle and mingyu would kiss his face lightly, pecking his lips softly onto warm skin. now, mingyu only wrapped his arms around seokmin and pulled him close, listening to him fall asleep to the sounds of his own crying.

he never asked why he cried.

but he knew now.

he swore he saw red at the sight of  _their manager, thrusting harshly into seokmin who was clearly out of it and definitley didn’t look like he could consent. Gagged, tied down, so so many bruises upon scratches **upon bruises and hickies and handprints-**_

he rushed forward and practically tore the manager off of seokmin, sending him crashing into the two chairs behind his desk. he couldn’t contain himself and as punched, punched, punched the man until he was bloody and unconcious. his knuckles burned.

mingyu swiftly turned around and let out a desperate cry upon seeing his member yet again. he looked so much worse up close. 

his eyes were shifting between closing and opening, trying to find focus onto something but too tired to keep them open. he was turned awkwardly to the side, attempting to cover himself by bringing his legs up, but mingyu could still see blood on his legs, his thighs. his hair was splattered lightly with it, probably due to his head being knocked so hard against the desk leg where his hands were still tied. he didn’t even try to make any noise behind the gag. 

mingyu rushed forward and gently undid the gag, feeling tears rush to him. shaky hands eventually undid the belt around seokmin’s red and bruised wrists. he couldn’t find the olders clothes anywhere, so instead he pulled off his coat and gently helped seokmin ease into it, zipping it up and thanking whoever was listenjng that he was tall enough that the coat covered seokmin’s privates. still, he could see blood dripping down his legs and he could barely stand on his own.

ignoring the unconcious chulwoo on the ground, mingyu whispered ‘i’m sorry’ and then picked seokmin up bridal style, trying to keep pressure off from where he was bleeding the most. his head laid gently onto mingyu’s shoulder, blood getting onto the younger shirt, but he could care less.

as mingyu rushed out, frantic to find help, seokmin mumbled, “i’m s-sorry.”

mingyu, still walking quite fast but not enough to jostle seokmin too much, replied back just as quietly, “minnie..what for?” 

“i didn’t b-belive i was nothing. h-he showed me.”

mingyu’s heart shattered and more tears fell. though seokmin fell unconcious almost as soon as he finished speaking, mingyu whispered quietly, “you’re everything.” 


	7. Chapter 7

there was beeping.

seokmin opened his eyes, blinking to try and adjust to the light. the room was furnished with too much white and light blue, the black television screen sticking out like a sore thumb. he knew where he was.

”seokmin.”

he turned his head to the right, energy little but determination large, and locked eyes with mingyu. he had tears welling in his eyes, decorated with dark circles and a mop of unkept hair. he looked like a wreck.

he looked like an angel.

”gyu,” seokmin mumbled, his own tears already starting to fall, “i-i’m sorry-“

mingyu interuptted him with a shaky voice, ”no seokmin, don’t apologize. you did nothing; chulwoo is the only one to blame.”

the older didn’t feel that way, but decided not to argue. he simply started to look all around the room, and on the left side of him, he spotted chan and soonyoung sleeping on a cushioned bench. 

“where is everyone else?” the vocalist questioned, quietly. 

”some of them went to talk with the ceo and police, and a few are in the cafeteria.”

”how long was i asleep?”

”around a day.”

”do they know?” 

silence. it ate at seokmin. it always has and it always will. clawing at him, attacking him, the only thing to be between it was the sound of a television or heavy footsteps. he could always remember kneeling, waiting for chulwoo to slap him, kick him, beat him and rape him and tear him apart bit to bit in the heavy silence.

mingyu shakily replied, “yeah.”

”is chulwoo hyung arrested?”

”don’t-“ mingyu started loudly, angrily, but then quieted when he saw the way seokmin flinched, “just, don’t call him hyung, minnie. he doesn’t deserve that title.”

”but he helped me,” seokmin whispered.

”what?”

”it hurt. i wanted to die sometimes, but he helped me,” the older started to cry again, heavily, letting the tears run freely down his cheeks and onto his chin and neck, “i was never good enough. i’m not pretty or talented or good at anything and i’ll never be  _good enough._ ”

mingyu watched him sob. he sobbed along with him. he suddenly hated more people than just chulwoo; he hated everything. every fan that had ever walked straight pass seokmin at a hi-touch ( _seokmin never let his smile falter though_ ), every person who had insulted his loud and energetic personality, every single person who even dared to think a bad thought about seokmin.

but mostly, he hated himself. he hated himself for never noticing, he hated himself for letting this happen to seokmin for so long, and he hated himself for not complimenting and appreciating seokmin every single ticking second of the day.

he hated himself the most.

”seokmin,” mingyu whispered through his tears, “you’ll always be good enough, you’ll always be the best. you’re pretty, you’re talented, you have one of the best personalities a person could have. chulwoo knows nothing, he  _is nothing_. you...you are everything. please, don’t keep beliving lies when i’m here to always tell you the truth.”

seokmin continued to sob, but nodded. he nodded, and it lit something up in mingyu’s heart. he knew seokmin wouldn’t believe him for long, he knew he’d take days upon years to believe him even, but he was willing to be by him the entire journey.

he loved seokmin, and maybe one day, he’d tell him that, too. 


	8. Chapter 8

“cha eunwoo from the band astro has been confirmed to have been raped multiple times by many men and women. there are multiple videos and photos showing the forced sexual acts found from the phones of many people charged. fantagio’s ceo and some staff have been arrested along with the many other people found guilty of rape. cha eunwoo has yet to make any statement on the-“

—

mingyu looked at seokmin with a small smile. they were lying in bed, cuddling. the older had been watching the news earlier when he had saw the cha eunwoo case. his never got into the publics hands.

he had told him about all the times where he would become jealous of eunwoo. he was jealous of his looks, jealous that everyone always liked him and that no one hated him.

he had whispered to him quietly that he had regretted those feelings. especially now.

the younger let him talk until he begged to be held and loved. mingyu ran his hands through his hair, kissing him where he could reach occasionally. seokmin’s head was lying on his chest, legs tangled with his, and he seemed to be calm and relaxed. maybe he would fall asleep soon. maybe he could keep his streak going of fully rested nights. maybe he would wake up with a big, breathtaking smile on his face.

maybe mingyu would stop being a coward.

”i love you, seokmin.”

and seokmin, though quietly, mumbled, “i love you too, mingyu.” 

**Author's Note:**

> short chapters. this is a vent fic for personal experiences. have a lovely day.


End file.
